Domestic abuse in queer relationships
Can queer relationships even be abusive?
Queer people experience domestic abuse in relationships as frequently as women in the general population – so that’s about 1 in 3 or 1 in 4 who report experiencing domestic abuse at some point in their lives. However, domestic abuse in heterosexual relationships has been well researched and is high in the public’s consciousness, while in LGBTQI relationships it is often hidden, unexpected and unrecognised. Due to high levels of homophobia and transphobia in society, queer people are less likely to come forward for help when experiencing abuse, so as not to cast further aspersions on their community. While there are similarities in the ways queer people experience abuse in their relationships, there are also more specific ways abusers exert their power and control in these relationships.
People who experience domestic abuse often fail to recognise abusive behaviour if it is something other than physical. In NSW, domestic abuse is defined in the following way:
“Domestic and family violence is any behaviour in an intimate or family relationship which is violent, threatening, coercive or controlling, causing a person to live in fear. It takes many forms and involves violent, abusive or intimidating behaviour carried out by a partner, carer or family member to control, dominate, humiliate or instil fear. Domestic and/or family violence is a violation of human rights and is a crime. It affects people from all backgrounds and age groups.”
This statement should make it clear that any of these behaviours apply to anyone who experiences them regardless of gender or sexuality. But the way society, including many health professionals, views domestic abuse is often through a heteronormative prism, where it is automatically assumed that men are the perpetrators or the ones who are exerting control over women. This has its own pitfalls even when it is applied to heterosexual relationships, as narrowly defined gender roles and stereotypes come into play.
Similarities & differences
As mentioned above, there are many similarities between the experience of domestic abuse in straight relationships and queer ones. Anyone can be reluctant to categorise what is happening to them as “domestic abuse” as it doesn’t fit their idea of what that means. “They don’t hit me”, a client may say, “they just make me feel bad about myself sometimes.” This misconception applies to both those who experience the abuse, as well as external agencies such as the police and the criminal justice system. Anyone who experiences this kind of abuse may think “this is just how things are in this relationship” and may worry about what will happen to them, and any children, should they leave an abusive partner. Any perpetrator of abuse may also not accept the end of the relationship, continuing to abuse with texts, phone calls, or by turning up at their ex-partner’s workplace or new home.
One of the ways this may be different for LGBTQI people is that there is extra reticence to acknowledge that what they are experiencing is abuse, due to not wanting to play into pejorative stereotypes about queer relationships. There are also specific kinds of abuse that are particular to their gender or sexual identity. For example, part of the controlling aspects of the abuse may come in the form of saying they don’t like their partner going out on the scene without them, threatening to out them to childcare agencies or to work colleagues, threatening to withhold hormone treatment or other gender transition related healthcare, or undermining their confidence by suggesting they are “not queer enough”. This is particularly difficult if this is the first queer relationship for the survivor of the abuse or they have recently transitioned. They may be desperate for this relationship to be perfect as a validation of their sexual or gender identity, or they may be unfamiliar with what constitutes “normal” behaviour in a queer relationship. The importance of being in this relationship is given more value than their feeling that there is something “not right” about it. Also, if there were difficulties with coming out to friends or family in the first place, they may feel they have to remain in the relationship to justify their decision or because they have nowhere else to go.
Am I being abused?
Does your partner
threaten to out you to your family or work colleagues?
prevent you from practising safer sex?
withhold access to medication or gender transition related healthcare?
make it hard for you to see your friends/family?
blame their behaviour on alcohol or drugs?
coerce you into having sex?
criticise you for not being “queer enough”?
constantly message/call you when you’re out without them?
try to convince you that no-one else can help because they are homophobic/transphobic?
try to convince you that abuse is a normal part of queer relationships?
These are red flags – signs that you may not be in a healthy relationship. If after reading this you think you may be in an abusive relationship, please talk to someone and get some support.
You don’t have to go through this by yourself.
Seeking help
There are many reasons why people in same-sex relationships don’t seek help while still in the relationship or once it has ended. Stigma about experiencing domestic abuse is high for people in all kinds of relationships. But there is also the added stigma of having to acknowledge who is the victim and who is the perpetrator when the abuse is viewed by those experiencing it and external agencies through the prism of heterosexuality. The idea of the “primary aggressor” may be useful here. While the term may imply that there is aggression on both sides, it is a way to differentiate between the person who uses aggression most or first and how the other person responds to this aggression. This helps because domestic abuse involves an ongoing pattern of power and coercive control, different from relationship conflict.
Who is the primary aggressor?
Some things to consider…
whether there is a history/pattern of aggressive behaviour perpetrated by one partner against the other
whether one person was acting in self-defence
the context in which the aggressive behaviour took place, the intent of its use and its effects on the person
the degree to which the person appears to have a sense of agency in the couple’s decision making
whether the person seems to have a sense of entitlement to exert their will regardless of their partner’s wishes
whether the person appears to be experiencing fear due to their partner’s behaviour or implied threats
“Sorting It Out”, a joint report from Western Sydney University and ACON revealed that most GBTIQ men would rather “sort it out” between themselves rather than speak to a third party. Men who already lost family members when they came out or transitioned are less likely to risk losing their chosen family, especially when they don’t know how their story/experience will be received by others.
Myths & stereotypes
× women can’t be abusive because they’re always gentle and nurturing
× all lesbian relationships are over-emotional and co-dependent
× butch women are more aggressive
× men can’t be victims because they can stand up for themselves/fight back
× same-sex partners are as bad as each other and are both a victim and a perpetrator
× the more masculine, bigger and/or stronger partner is always the abuser
× sexual abuse can’t happen in queer relationships because a woman can’t rape another woman and men can’t be raped
If the abuse results in hospital attendance of police involvement, queer people might downplay and minimise the seriousness of the abuse if it means telling a non-queer specific service about problems in their queer relationship. This is because there is the often the (very real) fear that external agencies, such as doctors, police and mental health providers, won’t understand queer relationships, won’t take them seriously, will mis-gender, make assumptions and judgements and therefore will be unable to help. There is also the worry that by talking to external agencies about the abuse, it will only serve to validate the homophobic and transphobic views that society holds about them. It is vitally important that people who are providing therapeutic services to people who understand trauma, are aware of the role of homophobia and transphobia in our current society and can reflect appropriately about any blind spots they may have. Without these skills, practitioners risk re-traumatising survivors, meaning they may remain in the relationship longer, believing the situation is all their fault or that there’s nothing that can be done about it. Counsellors also need to be aware that people in the varied LGBTQI communities have a lived experience of discrimination and prejudice – sometimes overt, sometimes more subtle. Not only does this make them wary of approaching people for help, but also means that they have developed a very high tolerance for abuse in relationships and may struggle to recognise unacceptable behaviour because it has been a part of their lives for so long.
Domestic abuse is a crime regardless of who experiences it. It is never the fault of the survivor, and is not a normal part of any healthy relationship. If you are looking for therapeutic support around this issue, it is important to remember that you do not have to work with anyone who you believe doesn’t understand you or your situation or who makes you feel that the abuse is your fault. Getting the right support can help you to work through the feelings of shame, self-blame, guilt and self-doubt that built up while the abuse was taking place and can help you move forward from the trauma. It can help you understand what you want – and deserve – from a healthy relationship.
More information and resources:
ACON: www.acon.org.au/what-we-are-here-for/domestic-family-violence/
Say It Loud: sayitoutloud.org.au/
RDVSA: www.rape-dvservices.org.au/
Inner City Legal Centre: www.iclc.org.au/srp/
QLife: www.qlife.org.au
Twenty10: www.twenty10.org.au
The Gender Centre: www.gendercentre.org.au
